when it rains...it pours.
Time to go.
PANIC ATTACK’s ugh
Not dumb at all. Especially since lot’s of people have em. I hear that kava helps.
i have some kind of disorder, i get awful panic attacks. i just has the worst one. no reason. i hate them. i am learning to just keep breathing though them. I never want to put that on my friends, i think it’s too much to ask to have them and then call a friend. Friends shouldn’t worry just because I have a “worry-spell”.
Anyway I think that is why I come here. And then why I erase stuff. It helps me to just come in here and sort of know I am in some way close to others.
Isn’t that so dumb,
Anyway, I know it’s not some major disfunction and so many people so so many people have much bigger and life threatening struggles but I guess this one is mine. I am happy that I am sober now to deal with it. It really did me no good to just “ignore” them when I was a drinking person. I knew it then but I thought “fuck it, I’ll just cover it up with this…” how young was I too think that ha! I dunno, some people manage.
I guess everyone has their thing.
I’m going to play another song now. It’ll calm me down, plus I made tea.
Maybe I’ll do something from Cardinology now. I love that record so much. The first one in a long time that keeps surprising me. Tom Shick did so good and man, Cardinals were really hanging strong on that record. I was very fragile emotionally and they held me up. They’re very good to me needlessly. I love them for it, but I know it must be hard to work with me. I am so worrisome and phobic and neurotic. Maybe this year I will settle in more. I need to listen and learn from Noel more. He seems to have found the balance and his eyes, they are very wise. He see’s this world very clearly when I think about it.
I dunno about sports though and they know something about that stuff. Maybe I should study sports. I only know the Boston Red Sox because my manager and my friend Juliana both love LOVE ADORE the red sox and it gives me something to talk to them about that they love. They both like the outsider- misfit qualities of that team. I like the projections and the coming together of it all. I think I more watch my friends watch sports than watch the sport itself. People are fascinating when they are concentrating and not thinking.
